10 things i didn’t consider saying 5 years ago – mom edition

27 Mar
March 27, 2014

so… sometimes i feel like posting about kids.  and momming.  i’m someone’s mom.  that thought STILL blows me away.  i’m responsible for TWO more humans.  part of my brain will always be thinking about them (surely some of the reason it no longer works so well).  i think i always thought i’d have kids, but no amount of pondering that idea will prepare you for the actuality.  you want kids?  you wonder why moms you know are just a little… off?  i mean, how hard could it be?  everyone has been doing it forever… yeah.  it’s about 40 times harder than my ‘it’s going to be hard’ imaginings.  it changes every day.  every day there’s some new something that one of those kids does, and i think.  i’m never going to get the hang of this.  whatever.  none of it is the end of the world.  it’s just somewhat exhausting.  but every once in a while, my husband or i will say or do something, and i think of the look on the face of my 5 year ago self (no kids).  my 10 year ago self (not married).  it usually makes me grin.  like an idiot.  here’s a list of some things that make me smile, and if you’re horrified, remember these things when you come across that poor lady with two screaming kids in target.  she could probably use some empathy.

1- it’s just a little bit of poop.  on my hand, on their clothes, on the table.  i know.  i know.  it’s disgusting.  but i have had the thought- it’s only a little bit, and gone on about my business after a quick hand wash or wipe swipe.  does my house need a thorough cleaning?  yes.  with a fire hose.  do i care.  not really. (also not worth worrying about- spit up, a little vomit, wee, and nose goblins)

2- let’s meet at the restaurant at 4:30.  FOR DINNER.  Aggghhhhh.  this one still kills me.  who eats dinner at 4:30?  i do.  i have to.  i have two kids who have to be in bed no later than 7:30.  if we spend an hour and a half at a restaurant, that leaves us an hour to get ready for bed and a half an hour to actually get into bed.  do you know how slowly toddlers move?  you don’t.  or you’d be thinking, i bet we could get to the restaurant at 4.

3- she just threw up all over me.  i don’t think i’d ever had the pleasure of getting vomit on any part of my upper body from another human.  my infant daughter vomited the entire contents of her very small body all over my chest- projectile style, and i very patiently undressed her, washed her, changed her, all while being covered in puke.  i then changed my clothes, and she did it all again.  i think the 2nd time, i sat in vomit for a while, because she actually stopped screaming and fell asleep.  gross.  but then also, sleeping baby.  WIN.

4- let’s go to the mall.  i have never been a mall person.  EVER (ok, maybe when i was 13).  i used to like to walk the length of a certain street in one of my favorite neighborhoods, no watching a clock, no destination.  you know who doesn’t like to mosey in the direction you decide?  toddlers.  you know who doesn’t like to be strapped down in a stroller?  toddlers.  darting into streets, running away, screaming in boutiques, not to mention, the weather isn’t always up for a stroll.  you know the solution?  malls.  we get out to our fair share of parks, but on days when it’s raining, i’m tired, i need that 5th coffee… the mall it is.  warm, contained, endless exploration, and lots of free parking.  done.

5- i don’t need a shower, i got one tuesday.  it’s thursday.  this one, i think i still find the most unbelievable.  i used to bathe every day.  i used to wash my hair every day.  make-up, every day.  but let’s be honest.  2 other people need my time.  i have the choice to eat, sit for 5 minutes by myself, or bathe.  hands down, eating.  5 minutes alone, never happens.  long, hot shower, daily- UNICORN.

6- let’s watch ‘tangled’ again.  probably the worst part of kids is the entertainment.  or lack.  we’ve read every book we have so many times, i can say most of them from memory.  the movies… i have zero idea how many times i’ve seen tangled, rio, despicable me.  and you never watch the whole thing (way too long).  but for 10 minutes so i can cook something, make a phone call, sit in blessed peace and cry.  yeah, disney is the go to.  the movies, they’re not half as bad as all the shows.  caillou?  sprout?  blues clues? rather poke my eyes out with a stick.

7- mommy’s going pee pee.  you think it’s some crass joke, or… i don’t know, myth?  the statement that you’re never going to be able to go to the bathroom alone again.  i was like… i don’t get it, why don’t you just lock the door?  shut it?  but then you have a toddler.  and the gist is, he doesn’t want you out of his sight.  i’ve closed and locked the bathroom door in his face.  he bangs on it and puts up such a squall on the other side, i’m convinced when i open it, i’ll see blood.  you do a lot of things out of the idea that it’s just easier than dealing with the alternative.  going to the bathroom with an audience is the least of it.

8- are there arch supports in these shoes?  i’m not sure when it happened, i think during pregnancy when i got out of the habit, but high heels?  yeah, they suck.  i put them on now, and i get angry.  give me a nice orthopedic any day.  i may even start wearing the ones i remember my grandma wearing.  you know why?  because they’re COMFORTABLE.

9- i think i’ll spend this gift card on diapers.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. diapers.  ahhhh, kills me.  but every time i get any gift card, i think, how can i wrangle into getting this money towards diapers.  wipes.  night time diapers.  i have 2 kids…..  1 is almost done with diapers… getting so close.  but i’m sure we’ll still need his nighttime ones.  so… that’s roughly $130 PER MONTH.  and that’s with the amazon mom savings, and the subscribe and save.  DUDE.

10- i’m going to breastfeed forever!  being responsible for someone’s sustenance, from your own body is no cake walk.  it’s wardrobe restricting, time sucking (ha!), nutrition calculating, food restricting and pumping?  yeah, lame.  but i’ve fed two babies now, and although it was a struggle, and sometimes more worry than i really thought it was worth, i haven’t had to buy formula for kid #2 and i’ve lost enough weight to start a 3rd kid (something i won’t be doing).  i’ve done something that after the first baby, i didn’t know if i’d want to do again.  i’m certainly not advocating or judging one way or the other.  but if i could tell pre-kid me one thing it’d be- don’t freak out about the breastfeeding.  you are going to be astounded by what you can do/handle/tolerate/accomplish, and breastfeeding is the least of it.


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