sometimes it hits you at just the right time…

25 Oct
October 25, 2013

gosh.  where to start with this… maybe back in my early twenties?  when i used to eat totinos pizzas for dinner every night (10 for $10!) or go on a date when i needed a real meal… i thought about what it might be like someday for myself, but i think i was vague.  i think i thought… someday i’ll be married.  someday i’ll have a family… and i think in my mind i thought that meant i’d have someone to go out with whenever i wanted to go out, or watch movies with… i never realized it meant i’d find my best friend and we’d build a life.  not only would i always have company, but i’d always have someone to help me.  someone to listen.  and for all that he listens to my senseless ravings… i get to listen to all the things he thinks about life, and living.  i love his random observations.

but the family part… for some reason what resonated with me most was thinking about meals (maybe all those nights spent hunched over the counter eating those high quality pizzas weren’t fulfilling?).  my family ate dinner together.  but that’s a vague statement… my mom, my step-dad, my step brother and i ate dinner together after they were married when i was 15.  up to that point… i don’t really remember a lot of family meals.  so the family i envisioned for myself, meant eating together.  if you have toddlers, you know that food can become… a battle.  food, and eating it (or not), is control… anyway-  this is a lot of back story to recount something i want more of- a night of music playing (cool kid station on iTunes), husband making pancakes (BFD!!) and my son and i cutting berries while he stood on a step ladder to be counter height.  the baby sat in a chair right outside the kitchen and kept an eye on all of us…

des hugged me twice.  TWICE.  on his own, with absolutely no prompting.  and in the moment i felt the happiness coming through from him… no rules, no saying no… just showing him something new, having him help, letting him feel like a big kid- he was giddy, and it came through in physical affection- i was stunned.  with all the struggles that come from food, and toddlers, and having such a young family, it was such a gift to just enjoy a couple hours together.  being a mom is different to me than what i had ever envisioned.  it’s… harder, and just… hard.  i don’t know.  there aren’t a ton of minutes in my day when i don’t feel exhausted, and spent.  and that’s usually by noon.  i kid.  not really.  i think when i thought of having kids, i thought… i thought there would be more moments like last night.  and now i know there will be.  but they come with age… little kids are… puzzles.  and each one, different.  to coax out the good stuff… you have to be vigilant, and creative.  sometimes all it takes is a step stool, and a shaker of cinnamon.  maybe a little louis prima.  i’ll keep trying, and battling through.  nights like last night haven’t happened often, now that i know how sweet they are, i’ll keep working.

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