i think my brain is slowly breaking. and then yesterday, something happened with one of my kids (per usual, daily), and i was like...gooooood. ness. how many more years do i need to do this? and then that got me thinking, that like... why is everything a race? a contest? a 'take it to the next level'? why am i not just... doing what i freaking like? and trust, i've had that thought many times. but this commoditization of every single thing is... it's breaking me. the expectation between my parents and my kids (both who expect things that aren't reality, either anymore, or in general) i just am searching for some sanity. some levity. and in those instances... i retreat into my comfort, which is tuning out by making. hahahahahaha. right?
and lets talk job market. because, the weight on my brain might be alleviated by stating some truth. i feel marketable. like... years of experience, level of skill, ability to accomplish, like... overall, seemingly marketable. and then searching for a job is... chaotic? confusing. ridiculous. things that i would apply for, and usually do, instantly rejected, or never hear. and when i think ok, so... keep pursuing your own thing? but to constantly have to do that with social media, and posting, or networking... i'm not kidding, i'm nowhere. i feel like i'm treading water where my feet don't touch, while singing a song in another language, while holding a baby goat. add 3 more complicated things to that. that's where i am. and then a kid gets home. and i deal with their day, and strife, and wants, and slights. then another kid gets home: strife, wants, slights. fold laundry, pick up someone else's dirty socks, trash, DRINK CANS, search for missing piece to insert-object-here, worry about the 10k things that didn't get done today (the yard is a mess, the upstairs needs to be painted, the environment, the state of american politics), the job that wasn't found, the need to make dinner... like, is this living? is this it? because. this sucks. like... all the time? it was fine-ish, when i was single, or it was just me and my husband... but like... ???????? is finding a job going to make this feel better? because then i start thinking. ok, i get a job. who's going to pick up my kids? at 2 different times. and say i do make them do what i did as a kid, one has to walk home, and one has to ride a bus. the one that has to walk home can't order a drink at starbucks alone. won't walk from the car to pick up a mobile order at the counter, doesn't want to go get in their bed at night, because there's no one else in their room. the one that has to ride a bus doesn't currently ride the bus, because 'it smells weird', had a wallet and bank card for A WEEK, lost it (somewhere in this house) and it's still MIA.
sigh. it's not... awful. there are... bright spots (see yesterday's photo above). i try to make one bright spot a day. and i definitely keep trying to make more of them. remind myself of them. but... this trading time for money. time for literally mind numbing things... the accumulation of tasks, and worries, and overwhelm, when i just keep telling myself i want to just... live? i don't want a house. and a yard. taking care of a yard is one of the biggest wastes of time i can picture. lawns? lawns are... i don't have words. mowing? what? no. i don't have minutes of my life to trade for mowing. if the grass wants to grow, go with god. minutes of my life for apps? no. answering a question about an item i made the mistake of listing for sale? nope. going goodwill, go buy it from them. i don't have minutes for this nonsense.
and most of this was to say- i try and do some sort of 'work' daily. i've been taking old designs and reworking them into new things. i have a few rules in my brain about my process... you should follow along. it's been really fun. like... addictively good. this morning i gave myself a time limit? not kidding, the fastest hour i've spent in the last year, and completely cackle inducing. such a literal joy. do you have a daily practice? do you have the number for a good therapist? lawn service? ok... happy monday, y'all. xox- k.
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